by Rem Erdogan
So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” - Hebrews 4:16 (NLT)
Growing up is tough, and I feel as though God is forcing me to grow up faster than I anticipated. Amid the confusion and growing pains - my stubborn cries against our good Father that “it’s not fair!” - I can feel God growing me into a more humble, grateful spirit.
The news that Lafayette College was closing for the remainder of the semester, and that I would be sent home far from the Lehigh Valley, hit pretty hard.
It’s not fair, I thought, What about my plans?
But why did I expect it to be fair? Did I really think God owed it to me to enjoy the remainder of my senior year in carefree, worry-free, twenty-one-year-old bliss? If so, I was sorely mistaken. God does not owe me anything. He isn’t fair at all, and for that we ought to be thankful. Fairness is getting exactly what we deserve, and to be honest y’all, I don’t deserve many good things.
Instead, God is gracious. He freely pours out grace and blessings to those who seek refuge from their sins in Him. The caveat to His grace is that He reserves the right to take things away from us when it is in accordance with His will!
In this time of severe turmoil, I find it easy to be upset with God. I mourn my own losses. Plans unfulfilled, memories that will never get to be made. Sharing a house with my two best friends, living fewer than 10 hours away from my boyfriend. Losing precious time as part of a Church whom I only became acquainted with a few months ago. Graduating college is already a major transition, and now I feel like all of this change was thrust upon me way sooner than I can handle.
I’m kind of mad at myself for being mad at God, though. I mean, despite all of the loss suffered in the world right now, I have seen His blessings prominent as ever in my life! I am safe at home with a family who loves me and cares for me. I have had more authentic, intentional conversation with friends over FaceTime in the past three weeks than I have in a long while. The weather has become quite lovely, and I am blessed to live in a home with a yard where I can be safely outdoors to enjoy the sunshine. I have had more time to do the things I love, like reading, running, journaling, baking, and making cards to send to my friends. I have trusted Jesus more, because I have seen how feeble my plans can be when I make them myself.
I have spent more quality time in prayer while in quarantine than I ever did while living at school.
It is easy to question God, to plead “not fair!” and to wallow in self-pity. Yet, I have found it far more spiritually rewarding to count the little ways that God is working through this time of crisis to draw me nearer to Him.